Holidays
by browne1
Summary: Clarice is going on unexpected holidays to discover another side of herself... (English is not my first language so forgive me for all of my possible mistakes)


There was no doubt that Starling's career had simply gone down the drain, nothing was left of all her youthful dreams, naïve plans and the grand aspirations - all of a sudden everything fell to pieces like a house of cards, leaving in its trail the void of frightening emptiness.

Since Chesapeake night nothing was the same, her entire life has changed and changed to such an extent that even her closest friend, Adriela grew with time somewhat wary of her 'hidden' motivations. It felt as if she was not trusting her any longer, Clarice constantly felt on herself this questioning look - doubt mixed with a tinge of disbelief and pure astonshment were more than clearly depicted in her friend's eyes, but the thing which was absolutetly driving her crazy was her incessant, almost merciless questioning –these questions always sounded the same and basically ran along only one line of reasoning: 'what the hell had possessed you to go there?', 'it was Lecter not some poor innocent lamb…', 'did you have death wishes or what…?'.

They were were driving her up the wall, literally pushing over the proverbial edge of sanity, - the edge beyond which there was nothing but impenetrable abyss of a dark, swirling insanity.

At nights this reproachful voice resonating inside her head was growing even stronger, relentlessly ringing, throbbing, in the end giving her a killing headache until she could no longer decide what had truly happened on that night but first and foremost why.

Her stubborn answers have always been the same, no matter if she was enquired by her superiors or her friends she used to repeat again and again exactly the same words, words that even to her own ears, sounded a bit lame, like a bit of a broken record – 'there is no place for a lynch in this country'… 'There was no one who wanted to listen while I did my best to forewarn' … 'I could not simply let it happen'…'justice required that ...'

Long list of the plausible reasons and possible explanations that might serve as a semi-credible answer went on and on. At times her true motivations were of course coming to light - sneaking out of the dark chambers of her twisted mind, remorselessly winking at her steely resolve. She always managed however to push them aside, refusing to confront them head on, too stubborn, too terrified to drag them in a broad daylight.

Anyway nothing could change gritty reality of the life she was living now, and in rare moments of the complete honesty with herself she was forced to admit that she had only herself to blame for how all things turned out for her. Maybe if it was not for her steadfast adherence to morals, 'stupid' ethical principles, her drive to save the lambs she might have been in another place and at another point in her now completely doomed career.

In the light of the most recent developments she was lucky enough that her 'beloved' Bureau did not go as far as to press some formal charges for what had happened there, instead they assumed that she was too heavily drugged to remember anything, and in the end dropped her like a hot potato, evidently they were ashamed of having among their ranks embarrassing black sheep.

Her sworn enemy Krendler, sleazy bastard, as she still used to call him in her mind was dead, no longer among the living, but what bothered her most was that his deadly tentacles seemed to spread and reach for her from the world of dead, how else was to explain that every one she knew seemed to shun from her as though she was kind of tainted by some invisible stigma, marked by the notorious ill-fame of Doctor Lecter.

Indeed Krendler died as did her entire professional life, sitting in a semidarkness of her messy duplex she could not help but reflect what brought her disgrace and the ultimate downfall. The quick random flashes of the events which led up to her inevitable dismissal have persistently haunted her since then , and the graphic, recurrent scenes playing behind her eyelids, practically every time her eyes drifted closed were making it impossible to forget and find whatever piece of mind she needed so much.

To make things even worse the Tattler was practically running rampant with juicy pieces of the news and telly did nothing but relished obscene jokes and sneering remarks. Day after day radio was blasting reports on her alleged cooperation and strong emotional involvement with Lecter and with every passing day she was becoming increasingly convinced that this nightmarish story would never end.

Clarice knew that drinking away her problems was perhaps the most stupid thing on earth she might possibly do, however at this juncture she was literally powerless to exert over this evidently destructive habit, if not already addiction, any form of constructive control. She was sitting all but alone clutching in her hand her most faithful friend –bottle of Jack Daniels, time after time drinking herself into stupor until her mind was numb and unable to think or conjure up any toxic visions.

Miraculously tonight, though already heavily intoxicated, she did not nod off in her armchair, her knees wobbled slightly as she rose unsteadily to her feet. The ball of anger and resentment she felt down her throat was almost burning from inside, choking her making it difficult to breath so the sudden idea that entered her mind now to take some nice bubble, hot bath to cleanse herself of all the dirt sounded like the most glorious thing on earth.

Against her better judgment not to draw a bath while being drunk she ignored the feeble voice of reason and filled a tub with hot, scented water sinking in its blissful warmth until she was completely surrounded by the water that felt like confines of a warm and safe womb.

Within seconds overwhelming sensation of a tension and tiredness that weighed so heavily on her soul during the whole day was gone, slowly evaporating into thin air. In these sweet moments of a complete peace of mind she felt herself drifting as if being carried by some invisible force towards another better, brighter world where everything was so good …so right….

All at once, without any signs of warning or whatsoever this most delightful sensation of a blissful and complete contentment was shattered forever. She must have been still half aware or so as she felt not too distinctly a pair of inhumanly strong hands grasping her limp form, hauling her up and then lying flat on a cold surface of her bathroom floor tiles. Since then everything blurred and went black until she was again enveloped by a warm veil of a tranquil darkness.

It was not until early morning, when first rays of the dazzling sunrise filtered through half open curtains, that she blinked , her eyelids felt so heavy that she could not keep them open and closed them again, next time as her eyes flapped open she registered not too pleasant sensation of a general soreness -spreading all over her muscles, her whole body was aching, and every breath was causing burning sensation deep down in her lungs - 'what the hell I was drinking last night' – she thought to herself as it was the last thing she could recall from the last night events.

Only then, her clouded mind at first quite faintly and after a second or two rather distinctly, noted that her upper body has been half lying, half sitting, propped against something warm, soft and solid. Her neurons worked like in a slow motion movie, unable to catch on to things that she would normally register within a fraction of a second.

Finally the overwhelming, heady sensation of a daze slowly begun to dissipate until her vision cleared enough to take in a presence of the surrounding things, though the feeling of a burning pain still coursed through her body.

Ever so slowly without much moving , she bent down her head and turned it slightly back, determined to see and check, what made that soft, warm, pliant thing that her upper body was comfortably snuggled against. In this exact moment when her eyes landed on that 'thing 'she froze in her tracks, it was a feeling like of a deer caught in headlights – her eyes widened in a total shock and locked with those she could recognize amongst thousand others….

His steely, unblinking, steady violet gaze held her immobile as if she was cast under some sort of a magical spell. The moment stretched, and neither knew how long it lasted, until it was broken the second when she found within herself enough strength if not a sheer courage to whisper meekly, perhaps most feared and formidable two words

-Doctor Lecter…

Predictably he did not procure any answer; apparently silence did not weigh so heavily on his mind as on most people around. He was only staring at her with those most impassive, cognizant almost predatory gaze that has always made her feel so small, so self conscious and so much uncomfortable. Within next seconds her whole body went stiff even more, becoming tense, numb to such a point that she was rendered completely unable to move or utter a single word, her veins felt as if they were pumping shreds of cold ice instead of a warm blood – the shreds that she could practically see and feel under his cold twinkling eyes still being persistently locked with hers .

'-Maybe I'm still dreaming, -maybe it is a hallucination of my deranged mind, -maybe the heavily intoxicated brain is capable of conjuring up images, -maybe…

Her conscious mind in a panic was rushing with a number of the possible scenario; but no matter how hard she worked to come up with the plausible sort of explanations for his very presence right before her eyes - 'the figment' of her sick imagination was still there - still intently staring down at her face.

In a fleeting moment of being lost somewhere between the reality of her bedroom and dream-like state, a quaint thought passed through her still clouded mind 'Is it possible to materialize somebody into a tangible form after thinking about that person long and often enough?.

However after a while, she realized that the vision still refused to show any visible signs of disappearing and persistently lingered in the exactly same spot and form as she had noticed it for the first time. That last thought brought her back to the reality, effectively convincing that this time he was tangibly real, not just another dream, that if she touched him he would not dissolve into….

At last, not without some amount of both physical and mental effort she braced herself up and managed to gather enough strength to wriggle herself out of his warm embrace and not too gracefully landed straight on a pillow sitting next to his left arm.

-What the hell are you doing here?

Her angered voice surprisingly did not falter and natural aggression which has always been there (at least as long as he was concerned) was now slowly slipping back into her tone, allowing him t o assume, that all her mental processes worked fairly well, but more importantly that there was no permanent brain damage she might have sustained as a result of her night adventure.

At first He sighed in exasperation or perhaps relief, but then threw in one of his sarcastic comments:

-Ensuring your safe and sound sleep what else Agent Starling?

His casual, suave voice was eloquent and indifferent as ever, but on top of it all, it carried that incisive, cutting undertone which unfailingly sent everyone away, everyone but never her….

You truly have a nerve… She gasped breathlessly, astonished at the extent of his brazen audacity to entertain such an idea as comming here.

So they say –He observed nonchalantly, putting on his most charming yet somewhat intimidating smile.

It was not a compliment – She retorted drily and her eyes started to gleam with undisguised anger mixed with a bit of frustration and growing impatience.

Thank you for clarification my dear, certainly I would have never guessed, had it not been for your most kind observation.

this is so funny for you? your presence here is...is just...is...

- Her irritation writhed and the voice which was fairly steady up to this point was now uncontrolably trembling, practically dripping with bitter sarcasm.

-Impossible, my dear? He matched her sarcastic tone, which evidently pushed her patience to the limit.

All of a sudden she experienced almost overwhelming urge to slap him, to wipe off this presumptuous smile from his smug face, and make him suffer the same sort of pain and anguish she was experiencing, though at the same time she doubted that any physical pain might provoke in him such a feeling.

A small voice in the back of her mind was certainly reminding her who was she dealing with, in what kind of danger her earthly existence was, if she decided to assault him in any physical way, that his patience obviously had its limits, that it was rather unwise to push some perilous boundaries, but to tell the truth in this particular moment when her anger was practically boiling, and beginning to get better of her, threatening to erupt she did not seem to care.

Doctor of course expected this fire storm from her but only now he could see the full extent of her anguish, she was lonely, exhausted, completely drained of her inner strength and energy, utterly worn out.

In the dead of a night when he was holding in his arms her limp , unconscious body, he was unable but wonder if that unfortunate incident had indeed been a mere accident or maybe there was something more to it.

He dreaded the last thought and refused to consider it even for a brief while– the sensation of irrevocable loss hanging over him, evidently hit close to home, perhaps too close for him.

He was concerned of course , even deeply worried but the temptation to tease her was even to him too strong to resist.

'But we do always seem to have a lot of fun my dear'.

Now she was unable to stand his daring insolence any longer and without saying another word, propped herself on a right elbow, trying to rise from a bed – the bed which she was still sharing with ….. the last observation was enough to send chills up her spine at the mere thought of...

But at the point when the blanket fell and the sheet slightly slid off her body she realized to her utmost horror that something was terribly wrong, something that apparently did not make any sense … - she was completely naked tucked only in one layer of a sheet but otherwise having noting on.

Her hands instinctively clutched the sheet tightly to secure it in its right place, any further movements she might normally undertake at once stopped, she froze like a granite statue, her senses grew numb making it impossible to utter a word or even look him straight in the eye..

After a few seconds her eyes darted to his face. The pupils in his mysterious eyes were gleaming, almost shining with undisguised mischief of a small playful imp, perversely enjoying the depth of her frustration - the last observation infuriated her even more and she lashed out again…

-can you explain me all this – she gasped, making it clear by the sweeping motion of her hand what she meant, though it was rather unlikely that he did not know

-Explain what Clarice – he inquired innocuously as if her presence next to him in such a state was the most normal thing ever.

-I got myself in one bed with Doctor Hannibal Lecter and you dare to ask me what I can possibly have on my mind? – She managed to say despite heavy pounding of her heart.

-You do not remember anything, do not you? It was more of a statement than a question on his part, voiced in this calm and self possessed tone she knew so well but at the same time a voice that she was never able to read.

-is there anything I should remember Doctor? – Her voice was barely audible now, as if she feared his answer.

-I think so my dear, I think so…– he sighed wistfully, clearly getting lost for a second in his own reverie, as if trying to recall something.

-so this is where we are now – She asked calmly, but the hot blush that suddenly colored her pale cheeks accompanied at first by the mere flicker in her eyes, now slowly begining to give way to nothing but a pure panic, let him guess to what disturbing conclusions she arrived at this moment.

-if you do not remember anything then tell me what do you make of it all?

-I do not know what to think I have no recollection whatsoever of what happened here last night -she retorted angrily hoping that her voice alone could somehow convince him to be more cooperative and answer if for once her question in a more direct manner.

Of course quite predictably he did not say a word it was so much like him, again she felt almost the same irresistible urge to punch him full force, but slowly her fiery determination to attack him with nothing but her still considerably weakened fists (something he could probably quite easily deflect) was beginning to drain - leaving way to nothing but a bottomless sense of helplessness.

She hung her head resignedly; staring fixedly at some invisible spot on a floor, the hush that fell over the room was only interrupted by her shallow, rhythmical breathing and regular ticking of a nearby clock. There was an indeterminate pause in their fiery exchange, and she could not say how many minutes had passed before his soothing tone again filled the air again and put an end to unbearable long minutes of a deafening silence.

Last night you drunk I would say a tad bit too much, then probably decided to take a bath I can only hope it was an accident not some purposeful action on your part. He xplained in his low, resonating tone which for once sounded honest.

And since when do you go out of your way to save agents from a certain death?

Quick as ever I approve it

He commented flippantly to match her surprisingly light hearted tone; probably she felt relieved and greatful that her initial suspicions had proved wrong – he deduced, but refused to push his luck any further for one day.

Glad that someone does – she quipped without missing a beat.

But back to your question, since you are so inconsiderate and thoughtless as to put yourself in harm way.

The words although spoken in a good way, sounded a bit harsh on his tongue.

Top ten most wanted makes it his priority to protect law enforcement officers, either I must have gone mad or ….

She stumbled over the words as if unsure whether she should laugh at his last remark or perhaps ignore it without making any further comment, in the end she opted for the latter.

You seem to be so easily surprised my dear and I cannot quite understand why –

Again he interrupted her musings even before she managed to gather her thoughts.

However in this while something noticeably changed, it felt like a kind of a sudden and the tangible shift in her mind, therefore, this time without the smallest ounce of a mockery in her even tone, she asked pensively.

Why Doctor Lecter?

That should be obvious my dear. His answer was immediate as if he was expecting that sooner or later she will ask such a question, or maybe he was that quick...

It is not Doctor. She answered, clealrly wanting to get out of him more words.

I can't allow you to do yourself a harm, which would ultimately make the world far less interesting.

She could say that his deliberate answer was purposefully alluding to their first phone conversation, on a night when he had escaped. For no apparent reason it struck some bad chord in her, and her voice, playful only moments ago became bitter again.

Can't you see that the world as you charmingly put it does nothing but drags me through a mud.

-I did not mean a world at large my dear. He corrected though his word carried very little clarification if any on this point.

Somehow deep down inside however she already knew what he meant by this rather peculiar choice of his words, once again over the course of one morning their gaze met and held immovably in a steely embrace. Her glassy eyes glistened with unshed tears at the realization of the cryptic message he wanted to convey and make her understand .

Though it was nothing she did not really suspect - it still came as a shock to be confronted with the truth in such an open, almost straightforward fashion. She knew that Dr Lecter has never been known for making any kind of confessions, especially those that concerned his inner most feelings and in this moment he was probably closest to making the one.

He looked at her with his most mesmerizing, knowing eyes which for a brief while, allowed her to peek into impenetrable recess of his soul, she knew all too well, that it was not a slip on his part, kind of a lapse in his cool, unshakeable self-composure, nothing has ever been accidental about Doctor, and if he did not want to offer her this rare insight into his thoughts he would certainly never lift a lid.

The moment however passed pretty quickly and after another minute in its place there was again inscrutable, deadpan mask of Dr Lecter she knew so well, there was nothing of the person she saw only a minute ago.

In those silent moments, when they were both lost in a delightful staring context, she had unprecedented occasion to take in his appearance - his piercing icy blue eyes were twinkling with mysterious sparks, she knew that only freedom could grant them, sun kissed skin looked rugged and healthy, and the Armani suit, though now ruined, due to night adventures added to an overall air of an elegance, but above all refined and sophisticated taste.

Not for the first time she had to observe though not without big dose of reluctance that he looked really good, not just good - debonair, quality that was virtually nowhere to be found these days, at least not in the men she had the occasion to meet in her life.

God what I'm thinking about …she admonished herself for the train of her own thoughts, for once she was grateful that he chose to interrupt her silent contemplation, otherwise she might have blushed hot and again make a fool of herself.

-How do you feel Clarice? –His voice was again gentle, full of care and concern something she was completely unused to in her daily life.

-How do you think I can possibly feel, obviously you watch the news and can see for yourself what they do with my life, hardly a day goes by without me learning about another spicy fragment of my life… my whole life is screwed, totally fucked up.

- Yes I have heard about everything but I meant your physical condition – Doctor sighed in resignation, noticing that she was still adamant to fight him.

Sore but I will survive – she whispered quietly, as if she was speaking more to herself than to him.

I'm sure you will, gossips will run their course in the end, and again from behind the clouds….

His cultured, mellifluous, but above all golden-laced voice had an ususla quality of creating a sense of a complete bliss; a kind of a hypnotic solace - she was drifting on its notes like a boat floating on the big calm ocean waves. Though unable to catch the exact sense of the words he was syaing, she knew they were comforting, bringing peace, alleviating all the strains, soothing - working like a balm to her frayed nerves.

Only now she begun to understand why there were people who were ready to pay quite a money for having professional psychological sessions, - one thing which forever seemed to be beyond her mental grasp, was now beginning to make some sense – a human being indeed needs something more than a piece of bread, breath of a fresh air and …..a glass of 'Jack Daniels' – she reflected.

But oddly enough she started to understand some of the comments and the random judgments present here and there in his case –file - the one she re-read so many times –'sort of behavior that bathed you in assorted milk…'

of course She considered them as being grossly exaggerated, even completely blown up out of proportions, after all they were coming from a number of his so called blasé, social companions , beautiful, sophisticated - true, but out of touch with the reality, and normal guys…. normal….what meant normal – she was no sure any longer

Not matter how hard she wanted to deny the truth lying behind these words she could not help but feel like they probably felt in his very presence. This most uncomfortable, moreover even disturbing realization effectively dragged t her back to earth and him still - sitting motionless on the perch of her bed.

Doctor immediately sensed this emotional shift, a sudden invisible change which evidently had taken place in her mind could not be prevented in any way, he felt that his presence again produced in her sensation of being ill at ease with herself and him at the same time.

He was simply too perceptive, too quick-witted not to pick up on some of her apparent subconscious reactions, the signs that her conscious mind might still not register, lay quite open to him, making it necessary for him to undertake some immediate actions.

There was an evident discomfort depicted within her orbs, he did not want her to feel it at this moment, and therefore unwilling to prolong it any longer he gracefully stood up .

-it is time for me Clarice – he said softly as if he was a regular guest who simply stayed a bit too long for a dinner.

-I think so Doctor - she observed perhaps more weakly than she had intended.

-Can you delay making your calls until I leave your place Clarice?

-What calls - She asked clearly stupefied as though unsure or even confused by what he meant.

-reporting my visit to Jackie boy, of course I thought it was rather obvious Clarice.

Doctor observed slightly bemused.

-I won't do it at all, you have nothing to worry

Doctor did not utter another word and the only reaction which pointed to his surprise was a subtle raise of his elegant eyebrow - a clear gesture of an unspoken question.

Can you imagine giving them this time some real food for thought '_Doctor Lecter and his helpless agent_' I can already see all the sickening headlines, if they did not have any solid facts they would surely get them right now. I will not provide these vampires with a fresh supply of blood, never…. No matter how wrong it is…

Thank you Clarice, no matter what your present motifs are.

Good bye then, take care of yourself, I may not always be around.

Good bye Doctor

However instead of moving in a general direction of the door, Doctor without saying a single word approached her quiet form.

Being tucked in a sheet, he had wrapped her in at night she was still sitting peacefully on a bed. His mesmerizing eyes never leaving hers reached out for her hand, only then when his warm hand touched hers she realised his presnce just next to her side, and in a response gave involuntary start – in that exact moment she felt as if she was again drowning - this powerful sensation was slowly becoming familiar to her, though still it was too intense, too overwhelming to keep the cool composure.

With the agonising slowness he raised her limp hand to his soft lips, and just above the knuckles pressed a soft lingering kiss. A jolt of electricity that went down her arm, shocked her more than anything else in her life. It produced in her kind of a quivering sensation, spreading all over her body, provoking unexpected visible shiver – something she was quite sure he had to notice, though from the sheer politness refused to comment on it

A kiss lasted perhaps too long for a chaste, customary gesture but tugging her hand away or fighting him over it would only indicate to her coyness – for the reasons she was unable to understand now she did not want to come across as such.

With a bated breath Clarice endured his gentlemanly old fashioned gesture, after a short while Doctor silently with his usual feline grace, picked up his hat, and turned on his heel departing, leaving her again alone as though he had never been present in this room. Only after he had left she managed to take in a deep shuddering breath, still notably trembling.

She refused to question her motivations behind letting him go just like that, nor did she want to ponder over the tingling sensation his mere kiss provoked in her, she was too battered, too tired, and too weak to take on such a challenge as to look for the answers.

She was also unable to answer a question how it was at all possible, that in some miraculous way he managed to sense that her life was in danger. Certainly she knew that his quick wit and razor sharp perception had simply no match. His astounding abilities were in fact legendary, always keeping them on toes, always alert and uncertain as to what he might possibly do next. Despite all the efforts Doctorwas usually two steps ahead , but she had to admit that on this particular occasion, he surpassed even himself.

In the solitude of her quiet room she noted that on one hand, his high powered mind produced in her somewhat unnerving effect but on the other provided a certain degree of comfort, even though it was definitely a sick source of comfort…

Three months had passed since that fateful night and although her life was far from being peachy it started at last to take on a somewhat brighter look. The media had apparently lost their ardent interest in her personal affairs as there were hardly any reporters awaiting her on the threshold of her adobe, hardly any sneering articles, and almost no mocking comments.

Gossips indeed seemed to run their course and died like a flash in the pan.

Of course she steadfastly refused to acknowledge who formulated these exact and strikingly accurate words, she was simply too mortified to look back over the events of that night, night that brought them once again together,

She was however quite proud of herself that after being unemployed for nearly four months she finally managed to find a job, not a big deal to be sure, certainly not a height of her dreams but she had to make living one way or another and no job seemed to be too small.

Now she was w working for a local police station her duties consisted largely of pushing papers, sorting documents, occasional interrogations, street patrols. Anyway her inner drive to save lambs, protect innocent, enforce law and order seemed to be well served.

There was also something else that made this job quite enjoyable, and it was the company of other cops. They had this nice sunny bearing about themselves, there was notable absence of sidelong looks cast her way every time she went along the corridors, no sinister whispers behind her back, no derogatory remarks, things she remembered all too well from her previous employment..

One day passing along the street not far from a place where she lived now, she heard a sudden shriek

-Cee!

She spun around to see it was Dee. They fell in each other arms greeting warmly as if there was absolutely nothing that alienated them before and eventually drove apart for good.

They were chatting for nearly two hours in a nearby café catching up on their lives occasionally laughing over some funny situations they had both shared in academy, skillfully avoiding sensitive topics, in one moment Dee said

-Next week I throw a party, small gathering of old folks will you come?

Clarice had to make a face or perhaps took on pensive solemn look as Dee started to implore

-please come for old times' sake

-OK she agreed, though she was not fully convinced if it was best idea to go there, the last thing she wanted after all was to rekindle old contacts and it was rather obvious to bump into some as Adriela still worked for her beloved bureau.

When the night of the party had arrived Clarice refused to dress up, primp before the mirror or do anything special, she threw on her best jumper, bought small presents and flowers and headed towards well known place of Adrelia adobe.

Now her friend lived with her boyfriend, another in a long line of lucky guys she graced with her virtues so to say…

She knocked twice on a heavy looking wooden doors that somehow did not fit the light structure of the overall building, after second knock Dee opened door letting her in, practically beaming that she came, she suspected I won't

Clarice thought to herself

Adrelia and her parties did not seem to change in the slightest, the music playing on old stereo was deafening, the air thick and grey from the swirling smoke of cigarettes, some of the guests despite early hour were already drunk.

Once she liked this kind of flavor , vibrant, chaotic, mad but not any longer, now it made her feel sick and tired, though certainly it did not show on her face, being wet blanket was not her thing even if she had to endure something that put her off.

At one point Clarice had even made some attempts at striking conversation with some of the guests but it was heavy going until she met John apparently he was a nice bloke and spoke like someone who clearly had some brain (rare occurrence in her life), They chatted on a balcony away from a heavy atmosphere of the main gathering, seeping some drinks, conversing about their job, life at academy, what they did in their free time never touching on a sensitive subject of her demise and its reasons.

For a while they even danced though shortly as she was not really good dancer, she could say that his company was quite enjoyable so when he offered to see her to her house she did not object – it was only natural to say yes.

-It was a really nice evening thank you John she offered by the way of saying goodbye.

In response John smiled warmly and took one step forward so now they were standing mere inches apart. Clarice did not flinch or react in any provincial way but when he leant over her evidently trying to kiss her on her lips she backed off

-I'm sorry John if I led you on in any way but I'm not looking for what you think

-It is my fault…. It …just Adrelia told me…. He stuttered, becoming uncomfortable ….so I decided to act on it you know…

His word piqued her interest did Adrelia really hit on the idea of matching her with an appropriate guy, she was always nosy true but this time she definitely went over the board.

-Listen John (her voice became stern and chilly) I have no idea whatsoever what she had told you about me or my life but I'm perfectly capable to take care of my private life , and certainly I'm not in a need of a matchmaker.

-Clare I know how it all sounds but do you think we can meet up again?

-John I'm not angry with you but for now it is not the best idea.

-Why Clare

Now he became annoyingly persistent something she absolutely hated in men, why did they all have to represent exactly the same pesky qualities – she had to ask herself

Even when her prospective boyfriend made good first impression then his true , disappointing self had to come to light - John likewise others could not grasp simple truth, that far more appealing was a fine combination of patience, cool restraint, elegance, dignity, impeccable taste with a right amount of ruggedness - everything that he was evidently not born with contrary to….

God why she could not get rid of him once for good, how was it possible that she thought of him at least 30 seconds everyday as she once had told Barney.

Even far away he was ever present in her thoughts, creeping, into her mind with unnerving regularity of something almost permanently stable as if he was always present there.

She needed to take a moment to compose herself enough and realize that John was still waiting for his answer – what was his question…..ahhh… why….. she remembered

-John no offence but I do not feel like I should explain myself to anybody

On saying that she closed the doors practically in his face, true it was rude of her to behave like that, but she was simply unable to stand it further.

She switched on a light plodding to a kitchen, when the phone ring made her stop in her tracks and consider for a while if she should perhaps answer it or not

-Starling she barked into receiver

-Cee I'm sorry it did not come off the right way

-Come off what Dee – she repeated questioningly, though she already knew what her friend had on mind

-you know John told me….

-I can see that news travel fast , very fast in fact – her voice taking on edge.

-Why Cee – the same question for a second time this evening, it was enough, more than enough, and she simply snapped

-Dee you crossed the line this time I do not want anyone to put foot in my life, is it so hard to understand it, get it at last that I do not need anyone to set up dates for me.

-I thought that maybe it would help you to get over that 'Lecter' thing

-Get over what – she asked as if she could not believe her own ears

-you know what people say Cee….

But Clarice did not already listen, unable to hold her nerve she flew off the handle

-Are you working for a Tattler or so, should I look for my name in tomorrow's headlines, or perhaps I will again land on a big screen – her voice carried pure fury, this time.

-Clare I know you have been through a furnace but there is no need to be so sarcastic

-Then what do you mean by getting over it, did I ever have any sort of relationship with Lecter, can you imagine how many times I had to read stories about being his accomplice , facilitating his escape, how many times I had to listen about out star crossed affair, consummated at least dozen times even before Chesapeake disaster.

-I know that they put you under a lot of strain – Adrelia offered amicably even apologetically.

-Strain…. Strain they have practically torn my life apart and you dare to call it a mere strain.

-Clare I'm not your enemy, and I'm not accusing you of anything

-No of course, but you do not trust me either, which does not make you much different from the rest

Her voice suddenly grew weak and indecisive; she hated herself for feeling that powerless, but how long can one keep on fighting.

The conversation came to a full stop it was pointless to continue it further, Clarice realized that she could neither take a time back nor restore their trust and friendship – nothing could bridge that gap and evidently some things had to meet their end which sadly included her long-term friendship with Dee.

Chesapeake events had clearly set kind of a border line in her life separating, dividing it into two stages – before and after….

Despite everything her life continued relatively unperturbed, uneventful long sequence of dull days grew into weeks then months. At times she found herself dreaming about breaking free, going away…. going anywhere, starting everything anew, but every time she came to think about it she was forced to face harsh, home truths – fact that she could not afford it. Certainly she had some money stashed away for rainy days but she was far from being well off enough to consider such a luxury as the proverbial idea of 'going anywhere'.

One evening after coming back form particularly tough day at work, she slumped in front of her telly. It had gotten into something of a habit to sit and mindlessly stare at a silver screen. The flickering images passing in front of her eyes provided enough distraction not to ponder over meandries of her shallow existence.

These days she did not drink so much as before, but on a night like tonight she could not repress the urge for having 'one deeper' only one she promised herself solemnly, still having in her mind vivid memory of that fateful night.

She was seeping her drink savoring its dry bitter taste when the ringing of a phone arrested her attention

Who the fuck is calling me at this hour

Before picking up the receiver she glanced at the clock, it read 1 a.m.

A bit too late for a social call whoever it is – she thought to herself

-Starling – she answered briskly on a second ring

There was only silence that greeted her on the other end of the line

-Hello is there anyone there –

Again no answer

She was on the point of putting the receiver down when the voice finally came over the line

-is that Clarice?

Deep metallic, husky, rasp filled every cell of her brain, and she had no longer any lingering doubts in her mind as to the identity of her late caller, she knew very well , too well who was it

-Doctor Lecter - She gasped, in an instant her breath hitched in a throat, and mouth went completly dry

-Good evening Clarice his velvet, melodious voice flowed over the line

-What do you want? - She inquired abruptly

-My…my…my. Is that the way to greet an old friend – he chided playfully, but his voice also carried a clear undertone of a danger, something she could not ignore.

-We are not friends Doctor – she barked into the receiver, after she pulled herself together, sufficiently to put under control internal tremor coursing through her body.

-and I thought that after our last encounter I could earn the honor of being the one – he continued in the same vein

- it would be better it you had not come then…

-Do I detect a note of self pitying drone? - He inquired politely in his notoriously sneering tone.

-And did you call me so that you can gloat and point out all my faults.

- No I phoned because of something entirely else. - In a matter of seconds his voice grew serious if it had ever been anything else before

-And would you care and tell me what is that 'else' as you nicely put it? – Not without some difficulty she made a conscious effort to sound civil.

- And are you sure you want to have this question answered? – He asked provocatively amused.

They fell into easy rhythm of answering one question with another, something she knew all too well from their previous meetings, habit that rubbed off on her amongst other things.

Regardless of everything they have been through, she was forced to acknowledge that she liked it in more than one way, their verbal sparrings have always been stimulating, exciting never boring or making her cheap, unlike all the others –she missed them terribly - not that she would ever admit to it openly.

However on this point he was asking if she wanted to get her answer and in all honesty she was not prepared for them now– whatever his reasons were she was not ready to have them laid out before her, just like that, even if they concerned her, or maybe especially if they concerned her and she had some odd premonitions that they indeed did.

The silence that reigned threatened to last longer until it was interrupted by his velvet cadence.

-How do you manage your anger Clarice?

His inquiry seemed to arrive entirely out of the blue, it was clearly evident that his question was completely disconnected with the line of their previous discussion, however she knew better than that and suspect him of having a senior moment, losing thread of his thoughts, so he must have sensed something, or had something on agenda, otherwise his question would never come.

-Are you trying to psychoanalyze me Doctor? – She decided to play along without revealing anything specific.

-Are you in a need of psychiatric consultation Clarice – he replied without missing a beat.

-Honestly, I could never afford your fee – her voice took on a playfully mocking note.

-Surely I would make exception for old times' sake, (he purposefully ignored her sneering remark) in any case my skills are forever at your disposal, but you are deflecting my dear.

She did not risk much by answering his question at least it seemed so at first glance, however one could never be too sure in a company of notorious Doctor Lecter.

-I do not do anything, just watching telly, occasionally running that is all, there is nothing more to it, nothing that you might find intriguing.

-Quite the opposite my dear, quite the opposite - but back to our conversation- What about your most faithful buddy - Jack?

-Since when Cradword is my most faithful buddy -she asked this time genuinely baffled by the line of his inquiry, what Jack after all, had to do with the way she dealt with her anger – she wondered briefly until Doctor conveniently chose to dispel her doubts:

-Obviously I meant Jack Daniels, though I had to admit that it is perhaps the only time I wish you had been addicted to our mutual friend.

He was amused, If not laughing and again at her expense, was it ever to change?

-I'm not addicted to alcohol if that is what you are implying – she retorted defiantly.

-and I have been left with entirely another impression on the occasion of our last encounter

-it was an accident; anyway you of all people should rather not be so surprised about it all.

-I wonder why….

-you wonder…. You wonder… - her anger flared again like a flame, reminding her about similar conversation she had had with Adriela only weeks before.

-and who had set up all my destruction and done so in such a crafty way, that I only managed to see through it when it was already too late.

-Do not you think that you credit me with a tad bit too much at least this time, obviously your 'destruction' as you nicely put it has never been on my agenda.

-and Chesapeake was not your plan either?

- Certainly, but it was not enough to topple you from your grand position at fbi

-Then what the hell was the reason - she was losing her patience again and it was becoming more and more apparent to both of them.

-I happened to be an accidental element in this rather complex equation of yours, if it had not been me then your downfall might have been a bit more prolonged.

Simply it all came to an end because they hated and despised you beyond measure, certainly you may question why and for what reason but the answer is quite plain and simple – they could not stand your integrity, incorruptibility, purity of purpose – the qualities nonexistent these days, however not the less admirable and desired in today's mankind.

His words apparently struck too close to the truth and in one instant she became practically breathless, the hot tears were streaming, down her cheeks, leaving behind wet burning trail and though she tried to quell them with all her might she was unable to stop their flow.

Doctor seemed to sense it somehow as he fell silent giving her all the time to compose herself and regain her voice again.

She was still hyperventilating, her throat felt closed up, and the voice slurred notably when she said:

-sorry, - at the same time wiping her nose against a sleeve of her jumper.

-it is understandable, actually to survive and stay sane after everything that life has thrown your way is truly admirable, believe me hardly anyone would have enough strength and sheer courage to endure all your hardships and still emerge alive.

For a few minutes his softly spoken words held her completely transfixed as if she was cast in some hypnotic state suspended between two worlds – sleep and awake.

Doctor Lecter after all had never been known for a person who might willingly bring comfort to anyone, quite the opposite in fact. He was notoriously toxic, full of venom, his mocking and sneering remarks cut so deep to the bone, that anyone who might harbor any ambition of putting him to a test or an interview was sent crying away.

In this rare moment that probably not too may had an occasion to witness or experience firsthand, Clarice had to admit that unlike all the others his candid words filled her soul and body with a fresh boost energy, even faith in a better tomorrow - in better people she might still meet along her way..

People often expressed sympathy, either sincere or halfhearted, but usually did so in such a way that instead of feeling empowered she was even more dispirited and weaker than before. His words on the other hand seemed to empower her with a magical strength, had the power to revitalize energy that she needed so much to keep on and fight her way through the unfairness in the world.

She was surprised at his ability to produce in her that kind of sensation, but only minimally, Dr Lecter was after all one of the best and renowned psychiatrist and, from what she knew from his case file his patients paid exorbitant fees and made appointments far in advance for his consultations – the facts which then seemed to be so surprising and even bewildering had not been so any longer. Everything became clear as if a short glimpse of a sun made her see something which was forever hidden from her eyes.

-These are the nicest words I've ever had in my life – the words popped out of her mouth before she managed to catch herself that she actually spoke them aloud and not having some sort of internal dialogue going on in her brain.

-Why thank you Clarice

-I did not intend to say this aloud.

-it is not important what you say far more important is what you think and feel– Doctor observed casually as if they we discussing weather forecast, that was so much like him, so much unnerving…

-Clarice what are you doing tonight

-Is that your way of saying that you are coming – she inquired cautiously? Not knowing where he was going with another of his quaint questions it felt only safe to ask.

-No not at all - Doctor reassured and chuckled good humouredly in a response.

-I just want to know how you unwind and relax after long days spent at work

-Doing nothing at home, watching Telly, browsing the internet, enjoying occasional glass of whisky, nothing that might sound impressive to you

-Glass of whiskey – Doctor asked in affected tone that meant to show his horror.

-Only a glass, not more - came her instinctive answer

-I hope that you do not plan on taking bath afterwards; unfortunately I'm nowhere near my dear, so do me the favor and bear it in mind.

She could say even without seeing him face to face that he was smiling, maybe even laughing, but above all his tone betrayed certain degree of seriousness, something that sounded very much like a human-like concern about the well fare of those we care for.

-I do not take baths anymore – She explained briefly, without giving away too much, or specifying her reasons in any way.

- So afraid of my another visit? – He pursued

-I'm not going to lie by saying that I feel comfortable and at ease during your so called visits. Her answer was reflexive.

-Why is it so? – Again the same innocuously sounding question.

-Practically every time we meet I end up unconscious and naked, it is simply embarrassing. – She had no idea what to say and simply blurted out the truth without considering any possible implications such an answer might provoke.

-embarrassing?...does it rather not fill you with a sense of fear or even dread?

-No – without the smallest bit of hesitancy - Doctor noted pleasantly surprised.

-No?...many people might deem your admission as being rather unwise , for a man with my past it is definitely more likely to feel stab of panic instead of being merely self conscious.

-We are both well aware that if you wanted me dead you would not have gone to all the trouble of saving me twice, as it comes to other maters you could never stoop to such a level, it would simply mean an unspeakable insult to your sophisticated taste.

-and yet after awakening as far as I recall you were rather stiff- scared, for someone who was as you kindly observed not afraid.

-How often do you think I wake up, lying naked next to a man I do not seem to remember – she asked playfully?

-hmm….. He mused - how often Clarice? Doctor's frivolous tone matched her own in its subtle provocation

In such a moment as this one he felt compelled to observe that her playful side in a contrast to her normally somber mood might really prove to be addictive, if he was only given a chance to enjoy it blossom…

-you are pushing your luck Sir -She continued unflustered even in the slightest, playing along with him.

-Am I ….really?- He was deliberately charming now, and his husky purr which was evident, more than plainly indicated to the intended effect.

-you are flirting with me Doctor – the surge of bravado filled her with courage she would normally never exhibit in his presence .

-And you seem to be doing exactly the same Clarice – he jokingly accused

But her name sounded on his tongue like a sweet caress, it always did in fact, she could not help but notice that practically every time he was pronouncing her name, his voice was provoking in her undeniable shivers running up and down her spine. At first she thought that this involuntary reaction was due to nothing but a primal almost instinctive fear but then realised that this dizzy sensation, making her feel head spin and keeping slightly off balance every time he was near had nothing with a dread or any distress. No one else in her entire life was able to evoke half of this effect.

-Do not even remind me, I cannot believe myself.

-But back to my question, you appeared to be somewhat terrified then.

-Believe it or not but normally such things do not befall me, besides…. besides… I got myself in a bed with top ten most wanted, no offence Sir but it is enough to strike dread in any one's soul.

-Indeed Clarice….thus my question about its roots and the very nature of your terror

-In a rush o panic I had a fleeting thought that….

She arrived in their discussion to the point where she was simply unable to formulate in words what had played in her mind then, it was simply too much…

-Finish your thought Clarice- his voice prompted, all of a sudden becoming harsh and commanding, making her experience sort of a throwback to the times when she was playing a student and he was a teacher.

In a response she braced herself up for an answer and then in a barely audible voice stammered it out

-that we crossed the line…

-We?

-I knew you would not do anything without having my explicit consent

-Most true, am I to assume then, that in fact you were more terrified of yourself than anyone else – when she did not answer he continued

-you realistically feared the possibility that you might have given me that consent.

He was unsure of how much questioning Clarice might willingly tolerate without backing off, certainly there were limits to how much she might endure, he was however determined to push his luck..

-Doctor if you do not mind I would rather not go into this, or give it all in depth analysis.

-of course Clarice – he said amicably, it was clearly the end of the line as he suspected.

Doctor Lecter closed off the topic after all it was not his intention to cause in her any degree of discomfort-even the slightest. It would only run counter to his carefully and intricately woven plans.

However impossible his schemes were, he was determined to pursue them to the very end. True, he knew that probability of occurring some events was extremely slim, Clarice integrity and steadfast adherence to moral values has been simply unshakeable but was there anything more important in life than chasing one's dreams, especially in such a case as his own –a person whose life had been doomed, someone destined to walk lonely road through life.

In retrospect he could say that everything started and transformed deep down in murky, dark dungeons of Baltimore. At the beginning it was like a small ray of sun illuminating the darkest corners of his world, challenging, provoking, and then giving him a faint glimmer of hope that his life may not be meant to meet its end within those four gloomy walls.

At first the realization that he needed for his own well- being another human being was disturbing to his normally cool, calculating controlled self, the fact that it was Clarice Starling freshly baked fbi agent did not seem to help – he was too much down to earth, too realistic and practical not to see that such relationship had no rights to come into being

But the stronger he tried to banish her from his thoughts the stronger she haunted his dreams, he could not help but continually feel the stab of hunger for her, this inner aching akin to pain but not quite was being intensified tenfold every time she was near - He had to admit though not without some amount of reluctance that despite his age, regardless of having numerous, however shallow affairs with other women, he had never experienced similar type of sensations in his entire life. There was no denying that the fine equilibrium constructed over long years of his existence was all of a sudden broken, shattered into tiny, quivering particles – powerful particles for which he had no words.

In this short moment of self-reflection it occurred to him how acutely adequate Dante's words were, how precisely they described his unstable condition and present state of mind….

Apparently he had to lose track of time or something, because suddenly her voice brought him back.

-Are you still there Doctor? - Her voice brought him back from his reverie

-I'm sorry my dear a sudden thought arrested my attention and distracted me a bit.

-You told me Clarice that you do not do anything to unwind or relax after work what about holidays then, how do you spend them?

-Do you want my honest answer Doctor?- she asked smiling to herself, knowing what reaction her words were going to provoke in him

-I feel horrified that you even need to ask.

The smile that momentarily crept over their features revived the old memories; though they were unable to see each other smiling they were both well aware of its presence.

-I stay at home usually doing some overdue work…what else?

-Why don't you go anywhere? (She smiled inwardly hearing from his mouth exactly the same question she asked herself so many times at nights, when everything was quiet, and temptation to break free and get away from it all the strongest).

She did not offer any answer, honestly having no idea what to say and if there was anything to say at that moment, after a short pause he went on in his soft cadence, a voice she was slowly becoming to get used to, no, not only get used to – she corrected herself – she grew to like it

-At times everyone needs to go away from it all, distance oneself, so as to recharge batteries and refresh one's perspective.

-I do not know…..I guess I do not feel like doing it at all.

-That only proves that you are all the more in a greater need of it.

-What makes you think so – she asked conversably.

-From the psychological point of view denying importance of doing something which is otherwise beneficial to one's well being may only point to some negative tendencies such as feeling of resignation, apathy even depression.

-Maybe Doctor… her voice thoughtful as if it was clouded by some unspoken reflection.

-Tell me Clarice when you were still a child, back in Virginia how did you use to spend your holidays

-…going with my father at a lakeside, swimming, fishing, we had an old cabin three though it was rented… in the evening gutting fish, grilling it over fire, looking into starlit sky.

Her soft somewhat dreamy tone allowed him to presume that she was doing something more than merely answering his simple question, she was in fact reviving old memories, trying to bring to the surface of her mind sweet long-forgotten images of times when she was feeling happy, innocent, safe…

-Why do not you go there again Clarice?

His voice delicately interrupted her dreamy contemplations

-The place belongs to my childhood Doctor if I went there now, I would somehow destroy its magical quality, it is better to leave it this way, and preserve the picture as I have in my memory instead of finding it has changed over time that would only disturb its charm and deprive it of its unique character.

-Wisely said …

For a moment he remained captivated by her astute observation but only minimally…

His Clarice as he used to call her in his mind has always had that keenly smart , shrewd brain that he admired so much.

True her drive to save the lambs and to make the world better and fairer was sometimes annoyingly naïve, even gullible but at the same time he could not help but note that all of these seemingly unconnected, annoying 'particles' made up her uniquely inimitable form – Clarice Starling - capable of holding so much sway over his dammed, restless soul, without even being remotely aware of her own immense power – power that no one else under the sun has ever had before.

-I have always thought of American to be the nation on the move

All of a sudden Doctor made one of his mysteriously astute observations that Clarice could not quite figure out or connect to

-So they say - She replied calmly having as usual no idea where he was going with his seemingly absurd inquiry.

-Many dream of touring Europe – He continued in the same style, hinting at what he meant

-I guess they do….. she nodded in assent

-and yourself, have you ever considered going there?

-Honestly I have never given it any thought Doctor. – She answered him with a laugh in her voice, the whole idea though attractive to be sure has always been beyond her means, and she could not change it at will, no matter how much she wanted it.

-I wonder why it is so, such places do not hold your interest?

-No certainly not, what an idea. She answered though she was reluctant to specify the reasons.

-Forgive my being so straightforward but why? His voice for once seemed to be frank as if he held genuine interest in this question.

-simply for many of us it is unaffordable luxury, this may come as a shock to you, but many people including me are not well off enough to entertain seriously such an idea

-We can easily skirt around this problem, if you only … His voice trailed off, but she knew very well what he meant.

-give you my consent…..

-No in the sense of the world you mean Clarice – He clarified

-And in what sense -She asked somewhat defensively, but at the same time confused by the quaint yet daring idea he had clearly harbored for some time.

-Clarice you must know by now that no harm can ever befall you in presence - Doctor reassured though he knew very well that she did not need it at all – they both knew.

-Certainly, of that I have no doubts, but the ultimate price tag this escapade would carry in the end is definitely too high for me.

-Hefty price tag….. Doctor echoed her words, giving them rising intonation of a question.

-Even if we were to consider such charmingly absurd plans as yours in the light of realistic possibility, I would not be able to afford them – one way or another.

-Do you think that I would offend you so much as to propose you a blatant exchange of sexual favors for a tour across Europe; I thought that you do not put me in the same category as our poor deceased Paul, such an idea would be nothing short of appalling.

She could say that he was kind of amused but above all his voice carried undertone of an insult – unspeakable offence of being likened to 'poor Paul' of that she was quite sure. For this reason alone she replied light-heartedly

-Krendler was inimitable in every possible way Doctor, and honestly you could never stand comparison with him…

-Yes I know , let me reassure you therefore that I do not try to lay any expatiation on you, nor do I attempt now or in the future to make any other form of other claims, I'm simply offering some time off so that you can take a gulp of fresh air.

-Are you in a habit of extending similar type of invitations to other FBI agents?

This time she was unable to keep a smile from her voice, though he could not judge her expression he knew that she was smiling, and prided himself on being able to evoke in her such reactions, another of small steps in a right direction….

-Only to my most favorite.

-But in all seriousness Doctor what are you going to get out of it, you do not strike as a man acting on whims or the spur of the moment, evidently you must have given the whole idea some thought before

-True, as for the benefits I would get the pleasure of your company without these awful time restrictions, without having behind our backs these pests like Chilton, Krendler…

-Doctor you realize that the whole idea is most bizarre, that your status and mine makes it, to put it most mildly, impossible.

-if it was not it would not hold any charm.

-and what if the charm will wear off… She could not help asking the question that was playing in her mind for a time being.

-sooner sky will get tired of blue Clarice –his words sounded as the closest thing to a declaration of one's feelings, and consequently made her breathless, jus for a fraction of second but enough for Doctor to catch it.

-you are romantic Doctor – she could not resist and not to observe what struck her as bit unusual in his case.

-Like every man should be… though I believe that decidedly too often you had to find yourself at the receiving end of the Krendlers-likes unique benevolence.

The phone conversation has given her a sense of artificial distance, it was easy therefore to talk with him like that without seeing his sparkling, eyes drilling into her innermost secrets, picking apart her soul.

The answers and questions flowed easily without feeling constrained or ill at ease.

-Definitely too often…

Then she remembered her last date maybe it was not so disastrous as the first ones she had back in school days, nonetheless it left her with the same taste of a distaste in her mouth,

of course she tried to reason with herself trying to find explanations for all the failures, even accusing herself that it was solely her own fault, that she could not build up good lasting relationship, that her expectations perhaps were a bit too high, that hardly anyone if anyone could match them.

-You should never accept anything but the best Clarice –

Doctor's voice as if on cue cut into her musings. Clarice no longer dwelt on this uncanny ability of his to read her like an open book, however at times she could not help wondering if she was indeed that easy and uncomplicated or maybe he was so brilliant at peeking into other people's mind.

-I never do Doctor, but just out of curiosity is it not a burden to know all the time what other people have on mind.

-obviously I do not invest my energy or time in such trivia as trying to figure out what others think, most people are so dull that it is neither interesting nor worth a single while.

-But not me – she inquired hesitantly, not knowing why she decided to put such a question at all.

-And do you have any doubts in this regard?

-Not but I wonder why you seem to invest that 'time' and 'energy' on someone so ordinary and common.

-This time I will leave your question unanswered, maybe one day you will come to understand why, and then a lot of other questions that bother you presently will go

for now however let's decide that should you find my proposal agreeable you will place an ad in Wasghton times, I will wait for it every first Saturday of the month. I leave you now to yourself as I believe you will have a lot of thinking to do.

-Yes I will sleep on it

-See you Clarice

-See you

They finished their fairly lengthy phone conversation, his phone bill would probably run to hundreds if not thousands of dollar – she thought to herself but in a second realized that such concerns were rather misplaced in his case.

Only then she noted the kind of phrase he used to say goodbye it was –see you- as if he expected that her answer was only matter of time.

For Clarice the whole idea of holidays with Doctor was ridiculously bizarre and absurd.

Over the first days that followed their phone conversation his plans appeared to be absolutely unacceptable, 'he is a fugitive and you are ex fbi agent, present cop someone who is meant to apprehend him and put behind the bars, not a lovely companion for even lovelier holidays' – she reasoned with herself

On the other hand she knew that Doctor would prove to be a splendid tour guide tour, he was well read, educated, experienced, and travelled a world – simply a worldly man.

She had nothing to fear in his presence not that because he promised her, but because she simply believed him that not a hair could come to harm while he was anywhere around – in fact he was the only man she could trust in terms of clinical business-like detachment, he was criminal but above all perfect gentleman, with impeccable manners and taste.

With every passing day she was becoming more and more convinced that she might go on such a tour and the world would not collapse nothing would really change, no one would even know – after all Doctor was rather unlikely to disclose her secret to ever-hungry tabloids or worse inform her superiors, such an idea was simply laughable.

During long restless nights she often thought about his proposal, it was tempting, enticing there was no denying of it, and though she took pains to talk herself into normality, the his voice that kept pushing her towards this immensely attractive idea was coming back.

On a second month since his call she braced herself up and placed an ad in a newspaper as he suggested. She did not know what to expect if he would call or come but over the next two weeks there was absolutely nothing – not a sign of Doctor Lecter

Maybe he realized that her answer was nothing but a dangerous trap, that police shamelessly used her as an easy bait , to lure him and then catch like a game– Clarice pondered over the reasons for which he was still silent – or maybe stupid girl he changed his mind and lost the interest in someone so dull an common as you are ….

She was chewing over all these issues for a week or so until one day she opened her mail box, pile of rubbish, adverts, unpaid bills, but there was also something else elegant cream envelope only with her name printed on a top, no stamps, no address, so it was delivered by hand – she thought, but it was rather unlikely that he chose to do so by himself.

She did not tore it open on a spot, but instead put it into her pocket and ran for a house, the door had not closed when she greedily, impatiently attacked the letter. There was nothing inside no a note, not a single word that might indicate that it was Doctor who sent it, but she knew better than to doubt…. Inside she found only one thing and it was simple plane ticket – direct flight to Paris, economic class as not to draw attention, so this is where the whole adventure will start – she reflected full of both anticipation and confusion.

Now her departure was due only in two days time, but she was still experiencing some lingering doubts tinged with a bit of something akin to pangs of conscience, saying her that she should not, even think about such bold plans.

At night this pesky voice was becoming even stronger, relentlessly pressing, demanding, she was often lying in a bed staring blankly at the intricate pattern of cracks on her ceiling, thinking about her latest decisions, about their impossible, even forbidden schemes, about what is going to happen next….

She always ended up having more questions than answers, and such nights were succeeding in nothing more than giving her splitting headache in the morning.

However on the night preceding her planned departure she packed whatever belongings she might have and in the morning with renowned courage and determination to enjoy herself if only once in a lifetime, headed towards an airport.

She had no problems whatsoever in locating the international departure hall, all transatlantic flights were clearly displayed on a huge flashy screens, pointing the number of a flight along with the gate to which boarding passengers needed to move.

She noted that she was looking basically like most of the passengers around, holding hand baggage, clutching some papers, wearing casual clothes, some of them were probably tourists others evidently travelled on business.

And what about you Clarice – the question came unbidden into her mind

Shouldn't it be a business and only business for you, holidaying with fugitive no matter how charming and eloquent is certainly not a thing that a decent citizen might think about….

However she was forced to push away these irritating thoughts, when over the intercom came the voice announcing 'boarding' of her plane.

All the procedures went surprisingly quickly and smoothly, not that she had expected any problems, and in a matter of minutes she was comfortably nestled in her seat next to a window.

For a brief while she let herself wonder if Doctor by any chance did not book the same flight for himself but decided that it would rather be unwise to take so much unnecessary risks.

He was risking enough already…. They both did in fact…. Besides their last phone conversation left her with strong impression that he was no longer residing in U.S

The plane was preparing for a take off slowly moving towards the tarmac, the jet engines were roaring, shuddering, lights dimmed inside, and the flight attendants were doing last necessary check-ups… and then all of a sudden they were off in the air.

The flight was very long, definitely too long, she was not one to complain but she was forced to admit that it took a toll on her body. She travelled by air before but not over such huge distances, and certainly never making transatlantic routes.

So she was relieved when after nearly 11 hours of being in the air, the plane slowly begun its descent over brightly lit city – Paris - she thought..

The view was magical, breathtaking in fact, the whole city gleamed with millions of little bright points, looking like diamonds scattered along a way, she was so transfixed , so mesmerized by the sights spreading down before her eyes, that practically she did not notice the moment of somewhat bumpy landing.

After emerging from the plane she made her way to a baggage reclaim area, then to a document control.

There was a small bustling crowd of people waiting for the passengers just behind the rail, she scanned their faces quickly but there was no one in sight who might resemble Doctor.

She moved on, dragging her luggage behind along the shiny lounge but there was no one there as well

What am I doing here? She admonished herself…. in a strange city, having no accommodation, having no idea what to do with myself.

She was loitering around looking at some gleaming shopping windows, small cafes, occasionally glancing at some passersby . She was unable to say how much time has elapsed when she heard just behind her ear

-Welcome to Paris Clarice – his husky, deep voice communicated his presence.

She gave a start at hearing him so unexpectedly so close, close enough to feel his warm breath on her earlobe and instinctively spun around.

Her eyes immediately landed on him, though he was wearing expensive- looking hat slightly dipped over his eyes, she could say that his eyes were bereft of any contact lenses and bore their true distinctive color –frosty blue - twinkling with all shades of the shimmering ocean waters.

She was mentally prepared to meet with him here, but despite herself she could not help feeling a mild sensation of shock – seeing him without bars, with no Plexiglas walls was still much of novelty as she thought to both of them.

When she was processing her conflicting emotions Doctor scrutinized her minutely, trying to sound her intentions and assess them as best as he could– he observed her for about 30 minutes as she was aimlessly wondering around the lounge but there was nothing in her close vicinity that seemed to alert him to anything unusual or dangerous – so maybe Clarice has indeed planned vacations, not another wild goose chase that would send them this time across the entire continent.

She felt his firm, passive, scrutinizing look and met it bravely with her own, maybe not so potent and penetratingly drilling but still….

It was clear to her that Doctor felt wary, they both did….but after a moment there again came his soft, collected voice

-Can I take your baggage?

-Certainly – she replied reflexively.

-for tonight we stay in a nearby hotel, as it was probably your first transatlantic journey you need to take a good rest before we can continue on our tour.

He announced politely putting her luggage in a trunk then opening the passenger's doors, letting her in.

He rounded the car and in a minute was sitting next to her.

She noted that he drove very well, putting on brakes, changing gears, with confidence of someone who knew the city inside out – so he must have lived here before – her investigative mode kicked in.

They pulled into traffic on a busy road, evidently every corner of the world has to be plagued by the problem of traffic congestion - she noted. As a result of the increased traffic flow he had to maneuver the box gear more frequently, during these moments she could not help but notice how close to her thigh his hand was, practically in the confines of not too big car brushing her leg side. She did not however suspect that he noticed the same thing.

you have gone completely nuts girl – she chastised herself, he is nothing but a perfect gentleman, your holiday still not begun and you already liken him to Krendler, get hold of yourself, it is not his fault that your only experience comes from this type of man.

-We are on the spot – his voice interrupted her inner dialogue, oblivious to the line of her thought.

He reclaimed her baggage, and she followed him to main entrance. In a central part of the hall there was a huge reception desk, two men –receptionists greeted him kindly and Doctor in fluent French she could not understand exchanged some customary words and arranged for their keys. She noticed that he used another name, after all it was rather unlikely that he went by his own – he handed her the keys and announced that they will meet at eight for a diner downstairs.

It was already getting dark when she woke up to a loud knock on her doors. Instinctively she glanced at the clock it read eight o'clock

Oh god I was meant to be ready for a supper – she thought realizing that she must have dropped asleep, completely losing track of time.

-One minute – she called form behind closed doors, swiftly getting out of bed and making it quick to the doors so as not to keep him there too long.

She reached for the knob, turn it round, glanced up, and almost immediately frowned, two steps apart stood Doctor Lecter, wearing perhaps his most casual clothes – plain open neck blue shirt and long linen trousers. Despite his ordinary outfit the man oozed elegance, eloquence but first and foremost nobility. She had no idea why this observation has not struck before…

Even if she did know about his aristocratic ancestry, she would have to be blind not to figure it out on herself. Certainly in this day and age such a quality did not come to a lot of use, but it was nice to find yourself, even it was just for a day, in a company of men so unlike those she met in her life – even if it was a notorious serial killer….

Doctor was patiently waiting in the doorframe giving her time for doing her silent contemplation, he could see that something confused her, maybe even disturbed but this time was unable to determine its roots.

-I can see you are up again – he said bemusedly.

-maybe up but not up to going out anywhere.

-if you wish we can always change our plans and order to a room – he waved his hand pointing to a nearby phone.

-I would appreciate if we could do it this way- her voice was still nervously tensed

-Everything for you Clarice – he said in a bit hushed subdued tone of voice, suggestive of something more than just a supper.

After about ten minutes of waiting steaming tray of food arrived right to the room, her eyes roamed over dishes she was even unable to call, accompanied by desert and a bottle of fine French wine – everything look splendidly,

You could not expect anything less from his – she thought

Doctor had probably misread her awe or maybe wanted to tease her on purpose as he casually observed

-This time you have nothing to worry I had no hand in preparations of all this – he swept his hand over trays full of different delicacies.

Though the amusement danced in his steely, unblinking gaze, his tone of voice remained gravely serious, chilly in fact, she was always wondering how easily he could switch between being polite, kind, even sweet to being cruel, cold, remorseless – however she knew that she had nothing to fear.

-Déjà vu Clarice

-This was unneeded, and you know it

-this….

-You know what I mean

-both nights?

-this whole mishap then…. She stumbled over unspoken words; it was still dauntingly difficult to even think about it, to talk even more dreadful if not repulsive and revolting.

-Mishap?

-No one deserves such a fate, as he had to meet…., I do not operate this way…. Her voice still shaky and markedly unstable.

-And what about you , did you deserve this amount of injustice, harsh mistreatment, delivered amply by your abusive bureau, and suffered gladly over all these years, I never marked you as one having masochistic tendencies, but maybe I was wrong.

-I did not need your help

-No you would suffer these fools to the bitter end, swallowing one insult after another, gritting your teeth and still clinging to your job. Eventually such an existence would destroy you, tear to shreds, certainly not within a year, maybe not even in 10 years time, but in the end there would come a day when your pristine integrity , determination, drive would drain, leaving you with nothing but a complete emptiness in your hands, reducing to a shadow of person you should be .

Normally she might take an insult at his harsh words, - stingy and cruel yes, but they also contained this grain of truth, that admits the chaos her life was, showed and set right direction.

- Of each particular _thing ask_: what is it in itself? What is _its nature_?

His sharp perceptive words again resounded off the walls of her memory, making her stop for a while and reflect over their deeper sense. How many times her thoughts drifted to them, when feeling weak, indecisive, confused…

-But why do you care, why to bother with it?

He did not answer, and she continued in the same vein

-Certainly you do not consider yourself as my father, nor do I look upon you this way,. But I also cannot believe that in case of a man as you are, you might have fallen victim to some youthful and blind infatuation.

- in case of a man as I am… He echoed her words sardonically, fixing on her his most impassive gaze .

-you know what I mean

-And if I do not – He feigned ignorance, though she could tell from the tone of his voice that he was well aware of what she had referred to .

-No offence Doctor, but for a man of your age, experience and station (she smiled at the word that evoked old memories) it is not like you might lose your mind and act like some sort of whelp, anyway not in your case.

-you right Clarice neither of them applies to me… to us…

His purposefully ambiguous and succinctly put words as usual did not offer much of an answer, at least not to her questions, it was however pointless to push him further for it, Doctor was after all a master of the evasion and manipulation, though she doubted that the latter was what he wanted to practice on her right now.

Anyway she was still in the dark as to his hidden motivations and wondered if she would ever be enlightened to them, but did she know her own in this respect?

Despite somewhat perilous tone of their discussion, which came to an end as abruptly as it begun Clarice enjoyed their first evening. Doctor skillfully managed to turn their conversation to less risky topics, telling her about his vists to opera, museums, funny anecdotes, making her even laugh at one point.

It is always better to stay on a safe side and leave needling and wheedling for later – he thought to himself.

Now he was talking interestingly about city landmarks, places they were about to visit, every now and then showing them on a map spread out right before their eyes, on already cleared table.

He was inquiring her about her own preferences, opinions, insights, strangely enough she felt that he has seen her as his equal, her judgments were listened to, her perspectives counted as much as his own.

He did not try in the least to impose on her any of his views, use his authority, superior knowledge or prove himself wiser in any way.

It was so refreshing to talk to someone who truly paid attention to what she had to say, he was in fact the only person in her life, since the death of her father, who seemed to be interested in what she had to offer.

In this instant she realized that something which was supposed to be perfectly normal was completely absent from her life, it felt so familiar and yet so strange to be important to someone again, to be counted…. like the memory of a long forgotten past….

Over the days that followed she allowed herself to be virtually sucked in by the whirl of frantic sightseeing. The wealth of new impressions, tastes, coupled with magical character of this charming city , mingled together producing dream-like reality in which the rules of the world she knew so well, no longer applied.

Doctor seemed to sense that she was kind of overwhelmed by the magnificent and extraordinary nature of that unique city, after all for a person who had never seen Europe in her life, the number of novel attractions might even be oppressive.

Somehow he always managed to read her moods, and note the slightest amount of discomfort, even before she could detect it herself, so when after a few days he offered going to the south of France, to enjoy countryside, see vineyards, taste splendid wines, and sample some French cheeses, she was both delighted and relieved to change current landscape.

They planned to go there by train as it was the most convenient way of getting there; being on a train travelling along one of the most scenic routes was giving her extra opportunities to see more of the countryside than if they had chosen to go by car along motorways.

They were sitting on a train which was to take them to all these places, sitting opposite in a comfortable compartment for two, Doctor was reading newspaper and Clarice leafing through the folders and some tour guides, she wanted to get to know more about this part of the country and while she could always ask him about details, at times she preferred to find some information on her own, it simply appealed to her investigative nature.

In this particular moment, almost without being aware of it, she looked at her companion, or rather more aptly contemplated his physical features: the fine, patrician eyebrows, wrinkles around his remarkable, crystal blue eyes, the muscles in his jaw that set as he read, a few streak of dark hair falling over his slightly bowed forehead – they were all causing odd turmoil of sensation.

There was something about him that made him totally irresistible, but there was definitely more to it than his mere physical appearance – it was the quality of his husky voice used rarely over the whisper level, hypnotizing gaze, that had a power of keeping her attention in a steadfast grasp, his high-powered perception, his silver tongue, his knowledge of human soul - it was impossible to deny the irrepressible need to be in a company of this man ,and in that exact moment she could not help but catch herself thinking what it would be like to stare at this handsome countenance every morning. …

There was however another thought that disturbed her even more deeply - one that suddenly entered her mind and persistently rung under beneath her skull

–-why she was unable to feel the same way around relatively 'normal' guys, why other men she met in her life were unable to elicit similar type of reaction, why it had to be him...

Doctor of course noticed her contemplations there was nothing that could go amiss this man, so when she shook her head as if shaking off some intrusive thought he tilted his head asked

-something disagreeable Clarice

-No not at all – she replied being caught off guard, suddenly growing insecure as if losing ground under her feet.

Only then, she reflected over a few days they spent in each other company, he had never done anything that might destroy her delicate trust, or even spoil her mood, remaining always attentive, caring, without imposing his presence in the slightest.

In the evenings they were often strolling hand in hand but he never seemed to intitate any physical contact, at times briefly he touched small of her back when he wanted to guide her in a direction that they were to follow, or bent over her frame from behind when he wished to point at some particular place of interest, or anything else he thought worth seeing.

During these short moments of the shared closeness, however unintentional they were on his part, she could feel the delicious warmth radiating from his barrel chest, intoxicating smell of his cologne, mingled with something else which she was unable to name but which was uniquely him.

These whirling sensations had such a strong, nearly overpowering effect over all of her senses, including her unshakeable voice of reason that she was simply terrified – no, not of him, but this time of the extent of her own confusing reactions.

Doctor however always seemed to retrieve to the 'safe' distance and step back at the last minute, before the urge to lean into him would become for her too powerful to resist.

Today they spent all day visiting old wineries, one of them was beautifully perched on a top of nearby southern hill, the ancient walls constructed form a yellowish limestone long time ago were covered by dark-green ivy leaves and flowering creepers. In the shadows fluffy fur of almost blue moss was giving this place a mysterious air – an impression of setting that belonged to another time – stepping down the steps into the semi-dark, murky chambers, full of different kind of vintage wines felt like being transported back in time.

She noted that the wine was still made in a pretty traditional way, first put into huge wooden barrels, then bottled, labeled and subsequently placed on special stands. They got the chance to sample some of the excellent beverages recommended by the proud owner of the winery, one glass of this, one glass of that…. she enjoyed their light fruity flavor, mixed with something else, though she was unable to pinpoint exactly what was that 'else' that they contained.

To tell the truth her knowledge of wines was less than basic, and while most of the samples she tasted were acceptable if not downright good, for Doctor many did not seem to come up his expectations.

He conversed in French with the owner, clearly asking for something, and making a purchase; at one point he turned to her and inquired if she had a taste for any other wine in particular. She decided to rely solely on is refined taste, and take only those bottles he had chosen.

This evening they enjoyed their late supper on a patio, Doctor prepared some salads, pastries, salmon and served with one of the light white wines they he had bought before. They ate in companionable silence admiring splendid, peaceful view of wide meadows stretching over endless miles to the golden brow of distant horizon, glowing in the last rays of the setting sun.

The wines were light enough not to make her feel light-headed or have any overpowering effect on her body, after all she was used to much stronger drink – the thought recalled some past memories, , especially the one that might have ended up in a quite disastrous way.

It encouraged her therefore to throw caution to the wind and get taste of more, cool sweet liquid washed down her throat and although Doctor at one point suggested she might have enough for this evening, Clarice went against his advice.

-let's go inside, it is getting dark – Doctor suggested softly and she followed him inside, to the salon they used to share together in the evenings.

-Are you feeling O.K Clarice, you look a bit unstable

He gave her a measured look and only then she realized that perhaps she might indeed overindulge in alcohol and drunk a bit too much – why he always had to be right– she thought to herself, half irritated at him half at her.

-This time however I do not run a risk of drowning myself or doing anything dangerous – her voice slurred a little, returning to her native drawl that he always thought to be amusing and she tried so hard to get rid of. Had it been anyone else not him he might not have discerned the exact words she had actually spoken, but his ears were always pricked up, always ready to catch whatever sound she produced, even in such condition as she presented to him now.

Doctor glanced at her curiously; fairly intrigued by a rather brazen attitude she seemed to exhibit now. Never before had she been willing to touch, even in passing, upon the events of that fateful night that crossed their paths again.

Perhaps these memories still pained her enough not to bring them to light and his scrutiny or maybe she was still thinking of them as too embarrassing, too shameful to even consider them for a while.

This last observation has only proved to him that he was right, there was no shadow of doubt that she was not herself, that the wine she consumed though light had probably gone to her head.

-I wonder why Clarice? - He dragged out every syllable of her name, making it sound more like a caress, than a simple reference to her as a person.

- Having you around, certainly eliminates any harm that might come my way, you said it yourself.

He could say that she was intentionally provocative now, as if trying to pull him into something she had on her mind.

-Quite right my dear – he replied in his smooth casual tone, betraying as usual nothing at all.

He was observing her body language, while she stood in front of him, about two meters away, fidgeting like a small child, clearly not knowing what to do with herself. Normally he did not observe in her that kind of squirmish, restless nervousness, and wondered what, except the wine she had consumed in not too modest amount, might have caused this type of awkward reaction.

-Why do not you sit down my dear? – Again the mellifluous notes of his eloquent voice drew her back to the depths of his fathomless eyes, however instead of calming her made her visibly even more jumpy.

-Already worried about me Doctor? – She did not forsake the game she was playing, tapping into her gleeful tone.

He did not respond, and only kept on following her insecure movements with his usual cool, watchful gaze.

While Clarice was clearly caught in the moment of wrestling with her own demons, whatever they were, Hannibal was sitting comfortably snuggled in the comfy leather armchair, his left hand was resting upon his knee lazily, in another he was cuddling a slender glass filled with a red liquid, from time to time he swirled it gently, giving it a slight shake, alternating his vigilant yet nonchalant gaze between her and his drink.

Ever so slowly Clarice took a deep breath, as if bracing herself up for something more and then stealthily approached his still form sitting in an armchair. Her graceful movements reminded him of a feral cat stalking its prey, it amused him beyond measure that she might look upon him this way, after all he had always been known for the hunter chasing for a prey not the other way round –but he did not mind if she found this entirely new role agreeable to herself.

Two further tentative steps she found herself right in front of him.

Doctor was visibly undisturbed as if the whole situation did not concern him in the least, he continued to seep his drink somewhat lazily , savoring its every drop, in this moment however he was staring at her intently over the rim of his glass . The only reaction that showed on his face was his steadfast gaze, eyes fixed on her narrowed now to the mere slits, trying to examine, read her as he did so often in the past.

Most of the times he was quite successful to see through her thoughts, and getting glimpse into workings of her delightful mind though in this instant she was almost as inscrutable and mysterious as he was,

He decided that for now the best tactic especially in such charged minutes as these ones, was to wait and see what she was up to. One more step and she was, so close that he could practically feel the touch of her knees against his legs, his gaze did not change, passive, neutral, and unreadable as ever, still locked on her face as if they were both frozen in space and time.

Then without ever breaking eye contact or uttering a single word she raised her knee to slide it into a small space between the armrest and his thigh, still he did not move, as if oblivious to whatever plans that might have lurked in in her mind. Again the only visible reaction on his part was a questioning eyebrow raised slightly; giving him that kind of refined, sly look she always found so painfully appealing.

The next seconds however made his forever steady heartbeat, that never raised above eighty, skip a beat or two, his breath uncharacteristically hitched in his throat, hands trembled, muscles tensed –

And he could not recall when was the last time that he had the similar type of physical reactions in himself, was it ever?... Then unceremoniously she straddled him, landing squarely just on his laps,

He was grateful that in a state of a drunk-daze she was, her mind was enough clouded not to register these small, uncomfortable reactions coursing through his body.

In a first moment Doctor spread his arms, and put a glass on a nearby table, so as not to spill its content

-Clarice – His deep and soothing voice carried a tone of a surprise mixed with a question

-How is it going to start Doctor? Hmmm? – she inquired without ounce of embarrassment, or any shyness in her voice, and in reaction He could not help it but notice how utterly amusing and funny the whole situation was, he knew perfectly well that she would never, ever under normal circumstances pronounce such words at least not in his company, not in waking state.

-How is it going to start what Clarice? – He echoed her words, clearly determined to play dumb and get out of her more words.

-for someone who is so keen on observation, that should be rather obvious by now

-Man can never be too sure my dear, not in such a delicate moment- his husky voice was barely over whisper

-I think that we want exactly the same Doctor

He wanted to say something, to the effect that for some time they might indeed be on the same page, but then all of a sudden Clarice lowered his head and nuzzled his cheek and chin. Her warm breath and gentle touch subtly caressed his rough skin, breathing in his scent, doing to him absolutely unspeakable things, and shattering his cool self composure;

however the moment when she chose to wriggle even closer, his hands reflexively grasped her by the waist with the clear intent to restrain any further movements she might possibly be willing to take. He was afraid that a dam holding abruptly rising flood might break at any moment and deprive of the last vestiges of self-control that had never failed him before.

He was barely aware of what she was doing, struggling against his hold, trying to get even closer, and increase the already very, very close physical contact, she was mumbling something incoherently, clearly irritated at his steadfast hold, whimpering, but he could not really say what…

But when she reached to his shirt, unsuccessfully fumbling with the silky material and doing her best to pry open the buttons his hands flew to hers and forcefully stilled them, by pressing firmly to his chest. Clarice looked at him dumbfounded but Doctor did not yield and inch

-What? She murmured annoyed at his holding her hand immobile, at the same time trying to wriggle free

-Clarice No… -his resolute voice made it clear, that whatever she had planned for today was to no avail

-But why – she pressed on

-Clarice you are not yourself tonight – he made one of his emotionless Doctor-like observation

-I'm – she insisted, pressing further

-No you are not – Doctor said calmly.

-Why you think so? – She argued

-You are drunk

-Not that much like you think

-But enough not to control yourself and what you say

-even if my limitations are lowered it does not mean that I do not have any control over what I do – her sounded surprisingly somber and it made him stop for a while, to reflect over her last words but at the same time he knew all too well that the person sitting in his lap was not simply Clarice Starling

-Perhaps, but still you are not your usual self, and whatever you planned won't do , at least not tonight.

He hoped that his last words will settle this rather awkward for him discussion

-you are such a hard nut Doctor – she mumbled under her breath in a barely audible voice.

-Yes I'm my dear, but it is better for you this way believe me – he replied wistfully.

-Why–

He smiled condescendingly and offered sincere answer

-if anything happened tonight, you would feel devastated in the morning, maybe even pretended it was all a dream, or that you were cornered in some way, the high walls would go up again, this time rising impassable borders which we might never have the chance to cross if that happened.

I could never forgive myself for losing you once again – not in such a way…

On the contrary if you go to bed and sleep alone tonight you will feel a bit self conscious in the morning maybe even abashed but nothing more, but if you want to discuss this matter further we can always return to it tomorrow morning but for today it is better to call it a day.

With these words effortlessly as if she did not weigh more than a mere feather he scooped her up in his arms to carry her upstairs. He did not think he could trust her with this task and felt it was perhaps better to ensure she found herself in a right place.

Her disobedient thoughts however started again to travel in a general direction of how heavenly it felt to be closed in his embrace, almost unconsciously she snuggled to him even closer, determined make the most of this delightful sensation. To her disappointment this sweet sensation did not last long enough to savor fully its addictive taste and the ext moment the spell was broken when he kicked the door and she was laid on a king size bed – alone.

-Stay with me – she whispered softly, almost pleadingly, in a response Doctor without saying a word, glanced at her watchfully as if trying to ascertain what was now playing on her mind.

-Clarice we talked about it… he clarified reminding patiently about their previous discussion.

-I know and I did not mean that… I mean just stay…

She felt him sit on the bed, removing his shoes and then with his usual grace propping against headboard, he was half sitting half lying, fully clothed and Clarice drifted to his welcoming warmth putting her head on his broad steadily moving chest, his even heartbeat sounded like a lullaby and the eyelids she was determined to keep open as long as possible started to feel more and more heavy until they closed and finally slept overtaken her.

In the morning when she woke up alone in her big king size bed, she only had some vague recollection of the last night events, they flashed before her eyes and brought back heady sensation of having him just next to her, of being encircled in his arms and in the end of her stupid pranks after the supper…. Oh God… the realization hit her now full force, like a blow, making her gasp at the extent of her own audacity as the memory like a video-tape device played back all images.

Why I had to make a fool of myself again – the question came unbidden to her mind.

Of course She was not that drunk as not to remember anything, and entirely lose track of time and all events of the last night, but evidently enough to feel loose, decidedly too loose – it felt as if the breaks normally operating suddenly failed and refused to cooperate with her normal self.

Doctor as usual behaved like a perfect gentleman making her feeling even guiltier, completely petrified in fact. Consequently she was not sure how to face him this morning, something which was to come sooner or later.

-Should I pretend that nothing happened or maybe apologize?

Both options sounded ridiculous after all she was an adult, and acting like a small, coy girl would simply be beneath them both. Her experience however of dealing with matters of such a delicate nature was somewhat limited to put it most mildly. Up to date companions would simply act quite differently, and there was no shadow of doubt in her mind that if presented with a chance they would simply jump at the first opportunity but Doctor was always different, in more than one respect –this reflection provoked sudden burst of laughter.

She could not understand herself and her own irrational reactions, she was never desperate in a company of any men in her entire life, even when being tipsy things were always held under her tight control. What was going on with her in a company of this man – she had to ask herself not for the first time for that matter.

Now there was a turmoil in her head, it felt like an incessant buzzing of a big insect, everything was a total mess if not a complete chaos - her being here, his very presence, the fact she enjoyed it… it all felt so surreal, maybe it was high time she called it a day and left this place and him, instead of exposing herself to such confusion again and again..

She was pondering these questions when suddenly to her door came three sharp knocks, she did not respond immediately, being caught in a silent moment of indecision meant she had no idea what she to say.

His vibrant voice communicated the purpose of his visit and by the same saved her from looking for an answer.

-Clarice breakfast is on the table…

-Yeah I'll be in a moment…

She wanted to sound natural but He managed to catch in her tone evident strain, even without asking her, he could guess that she was biting herself over the events of the last night - that only reassured him that his decision was right after all.

Certainly He was a criminal, someone who was supposed to have no feeling but above all he was a human being and his physical reactions last night had been very much human-like – whether she was realizing it or not Clarice had the real power to shatter his steely self-composure, it was a fact which was even more disconcerting to him than any other thing in his life.

Last night proved his patience had been severely strained, almost stretched to the breaking point and it was only him that know she was one small step from getting what she wanted,…. Wanted ..then – He corrected himself and perhaps not craving it in the morning in the smae measure.

He did not want to lose her, too much effort, time, patience had been invested in wining her favors, to lose it only because of some sudden and carnal impulses.

If he waited so many years he might wait longer – he knew that it was only a matter of time that his Clarice will stay with him one day for good and not flee like a scared bird in the morning – One night fling with her was definitely not what he had on mind, with other women in his life yes but not with her – she was simply too precious to him…

He was lost in his silent musings while giving final touches to their meal, and almost did not hear her quiet steps

Doctor? She said as if wanted to ask something

He spanned around to look at her, it was impossible not to observe that as usual her countenance was absolutely lovely but from her slight twitch around the mouth he could see that she was struggling with some disturbing thought.

-What is the matter my dear – he asked in a most tender tone of his voice, almost a whisper.

- I'm sorry… she stammered clearly stumbling over the words… I'm sorry about last night

-There is nothing to be sorry about – he reassured

-Yes there is she argued – I had to lose my mind or something, I can't explain it all

- Nothing happened let's forget about if you wish.

-Thank you Doctor.

He ignored her coming back to formalities, after all doubling her discomfort by reminding that they have know each other long enough to use their given name was not his intention, though it pained him he said as if surprised

-For what –the same moment his eyes landed on her with the evident questioning look there.

Finally she braced herself up, enough to look straight in his eyes and whispered

– you know what I mean….

He knew of course , after all there was very little that could go amiss this man however for this while he wanted words from her and it seemed like good idea to play dumb

-and if I say I do not

- Then I would assume you are cheating

-always so black and white

- You were right

-Certainly not about everything

-No but last night

-about?

-about making some hasty decisions, it felt like a good idea then but in the morning it would…

-now you understand why I did not want you to forget yourself

-you are so considerate I have never.. .she did not want to voice her opinion and abruptly shut off in the middle of a sentence

-no one has been like that before, is that what you wanted to say?

-Basically yes, although I wish I was not that transparent

-Why Clarice

-Why what – it was her turn to ask question, this time quite sincere as she did not have any idea what this – word why- referred to.

-Why there was no one..

-I did not say there was no one, I said there was no one so considerate

- Do not hold me for a fool certainly I know that you must have travelled along this road before, but it is rather evident that you could not find someone who was appropriate.

His voice sounded a bit harsh, maybe even impatient and she felt a bit defensive

- I do not know…. it is not really a question that I can possibly know the answer for, I guess it is a matter of having bad luck

-tell me about them

- about whom? – she was truly stupefied, was it possible that he was asking about these 'whelps'.

-These guys

-there is very little to say, the first was a complete disaster next time I wanted to check if it will be better only to discover that it was even worse

-one night flings then? – He sounded a little surprised which was a bit unusual for him.

-I think it was enough to know, I should not stick and waste my time with them

- Maybe there were too young

-maybe but I did not want to wait for them to grow up, besides you never know if such a moment arrives or not, and life is too short to lose it for fools.

-Rightly so Clarice

Their discussion came to a close and the rest of the morning they spent in companionable atmosphere, making plans for the next stage of their holidays.


End file.
